A few weeks ago I applied to attend one of Ms. Bevy’s Life With Vision dinners, happening Labor Day weekend. The application consisted of answering a few questions which would display why you should be chosen for this event. The exercise although it did not yield me a spot at the table (which was yet another failure to add to the list), but it was very cathartic for me. In completing the exercise I not only learned that I am still an extreme water bag but I also realized how debilitating paralysis has been in my life.
I have decided to share it with you. Why you may ask? Shit I don’t know truly because this is opening myself up in a BIG way. But ultimately I think I am sharing it because in order to be true to this journey, I have to be willing to be vulnerable and I also have to able to put aside to my concern for what others think. This will also serve as a public reminder of what I truly desire most in the pursuit of my dreams and ideals of success.
So here goes …
Thanks so much for this opportunity to attend the “Life With Vision” event. The timing could not be more perfect at this time in my life because I find myself in transition. At 32 I envisioned that I would be happily married with at least 3 children after having a successful corporate career. I thought that I would have traveled the world and lived a life filled with fun and adventure. I wanted the American Dream including the white picket fence, nice car and big bank account. Quite honestly at the moment I have none of those things and it dampens my spirit. I thought I did everything right, I was a good daughter and student. I got good grades, went to college and even finished with a graduate degree. I have been good to others and always helped when I could. Yet I find myself not living at all the life I envisioned.
At my core I am a woman who wants to be a catalyst for change in my family and my community. I want nothing more than to be an example of love as a wife and a mother. I want to live my life of substance with integrity and honesty at the core. I want to be remembered for all of the good I have done not all of the things I have, although I want to have nice things. I want to build generational wealth for myself and my grandchildren so that we can experience a life of freedom that is rich with global cultural experiences. At my core I am also still a scared little girl who is afraid of not being enough.
I am perceived by others as a strong black woman who is knowledgeable and driven. As a result of my serious demeanor and direct communication style I am often perceived as bitch to say it plainly. Unfortunately it’s only after people take the time to know me that they realize how loving and caring I really am. I have been called “Mama T” a lot in my life. This is sometimes received well by people who want mentoring and motherly love. The others however see this as a negative attribute as they perceive me to be controlling, rude and condescending. I find that people either love or hate me, there is not much in between.
I would like to be perceived as a strong woman who is confident in her knowledge, skills and ability. I want to be recognized for my strength and professionalism in a good way. I want to be respected for my intellect but also viewed as attractive. I want other to see that I genuinely love people and I am always willing to help others.
I am interested in attending this event because I would like to be woman of action. I want to transition from a dreamer to a doer. I have had big dreams in life yet many of them have yet to be realized. In my head I think I should be an accomplished millionaire with the talents, skill and knowledge in which God has blessed me. I seem to be my own barrier to success and I would like to finally get out of my own way. I want to live the life I envisioned.
Ms. Bevy thank you for getting me to dig deep with this internal heart to heart. I hope to one day meet you and chat about how much you have inspired me.